1.20.06: on Walking

A thought-collage:

Driving through the fog last night, we entered a new land
...the land of ghost boats
(Land of boats! That doesn't make any sense)

Last weekend,
I went on a retreat to the beach (not the beach in the picture) with some friends to spend some time considering the incredible magnitude of God.




I can see how beautiful and frightening the ocean is
how people who grow up with it outside the window and then move inland could miss it all their lives
and how people could spend their lives alone with the sea as their friend.
It is powerful. Active, encompassing, uncertain, beautiful, alive

Sort of like God


The motto was 'God is bad-ass, so don't be half-assed'

It was a pretty fun time. I'll say that now so that I can be serious for the rest of this post.

We read from Acts - where Peter tells the begger to get up and walk - and from Heavenly Man and spent time thinking about what it seems that God is offering to the the world, and how we would respond if we really believed it was possible.

"God is faithful. He always answers those who seek him with all their heart."
"I began to wait on the Lord for guidance and wonderful things happened."
-Heavenly Man

Brother Yun grew up in China.. in the 70s? and endured incredible suffering, beatings, prison, torture,.. because of how he chose to follow God. Because of his faithfulness, God was able to do amazing things for him and through him. The book is his autobiography, with supplements from his wife who wrote while he was in prison.

**
If I knew I could, like Peter, know just the thing to say to really make someone whole enough to walk again, on any metaphorical level, ... I don't know if I could do anything else.
I would know how to tell others to get up and walk without being afraid of lying to them.

I would
leave

I would walk around finding everyone who was isolated, despairing, brokenhearted, captive, and I would tell them how to walk.
I would do it all day
and not worry about what to eat or if I could sleep because it's more important that others can be free

& I would somehow be left having spent all day for others & not feel alone because there is no one but God to care for me. This would not bother me.

Nothing else would matter but freedom.

I wouldn't matter.
I would walk around with God and heal people until I starved.
**

Isaiah 40:31
"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint."

I don't really believe this.
I believe that God will keep me from dying when I fall, or make the fall worthwhile. I will fall for him. I believe that He will give me strength to run despite feeling drained in every way, and when I can no longer run, that he will help me focus on each step so that I can stubbornly keep moving forward, wanting the vision of freedom that I think He has for the world, and I believe that when the vision becomes reality, that even if I am too spent to live there, that I will be glad to see it.

This seems like a very different expectation.
God, if you can make us fly,
please help me understand what this means, because it seems better
more alive and hopeful
than being willing to make the best possible use of my fall

**

Psalm 73:23 - end
and we read more about the horrendous situations that Brother Yun's faith took him to. And we asked ourselves, if this is part of buying into God's vision, do we want this? My response:

No.
I do not want this

But I want God to know I love Him,
that I appreciate immeasurably being given life
and at the expense He paid
and that I love His people and want freedom for them too

And if this is what it takes,
So be it.
I would live hiding and ashamed otherwise
But I wish that my response didn't feel so much like avoiding the hypocrisy of doing otherwise and felt more like actually actively... choosing INTO something rather than away from something less desirable

But I do believe in Love. And in God being Love.
I can choose into that. Whatever the consequences.
I choose Love.

**

Hebrews 11:1

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence ofthings not seen"

**

One week ago today,
Last Saturday morning,
we invented a ritual for ourselves.

We used the ocean as our symbol.

In consideration, and as demonstration of the potential personal hazards we must be at least willing to face if we really think God and his vision for the world are worth it, some of us decided to walk into the ocean.

I just walked in in all my clothes, which probably protected me from the cold a good deal, but it's not like it was a hypothermia contest or something. Initially I was approaching the ritual somewhat fatalistically. But, -

You know what. I'm not going to tell you about this. I didn't even write about it in my notebook. I'm going to keep it.



**

And then we were leaving the Land of Boats

**

Since then it's been more interesting to walk on faith through difficulty
because, as if overlaid, I can see the gray sea meeting the darker gray sky
I feel the rocks beneath feet that are not only my own
I feel the cold waves rising to meet me, each in turn
I hear myself saying 'I love you'
And I keep walking

**
A friend once told me that
"Freedom is the ability to love everyone"