There was a time - a short period of time - in which I felt I had my life together.
I'd made a place for everything, and everything in it's place.
it was all unexpectedly scrambled.
Like I was thrown to the ground had my brain scattered across the floor like a raw egg or ground beef.
I've been trying for more than 8 years to get it back together. That's almost a decade. Almost a decade of trying and failing to put the pieces back together enough to feel like 'myself'.
Those eight years each passed with a quiet unfulfilled hope that maybe sometime soon - with enough discipline, enough thinking, enough trying, enough rest, enough effort - I could figure out how to get it all together again. Certainly there are many other ways I've made improvements, many other accomplishments, many other things lost and regained… but it's been 8 years of feeling like I should come with a disclaimer "I am not at my best." "I've been better, I promise." But, I've never been able to prove the latter by replicating it. Not sustainably.
Even when I look back on the time when had it all together, I didn't /really/ have it all together, but I didn't feel like I needed that disclaimer.
I feel like something came unraveled and I'm endlessly trying to 'ravel' it again… it's like I've never really been able to find the end. Maybe I should take a hint from the fact that there's no English word 'raveling' for something that has 'un'raveled.
I think it's time I embrace the fact that I will never really be ok.
Turn that disclaimer into a product description.
If I've been trying for 8 years without figuring out how to feel like the 'myself' I thought I once did, then I'm probably not going to make it.
Not ok. not together. scattered. is the new self.
Those cracks are probably not going to go away anytime soon. I might as well start setting my personal dinner table for myself and for each of them as well.
And, we'll try to say goodbye to the self I've been trying and failing to be. If she becomes me in the future, it won't be by my intention.
In the morning, I'll wake up as me. Same as every other day. But this time, I'll embrace the fact that I am who I am now, cracks and all.
And, that I don't have it together.
I suspect if there is any way through this hall of broken mirrors to another side,
it might start with embracing the image I have to work with right now. But, I'm not going to think about that - that thought would just get in the way.)
(and by the way,… don't worry. I am ok. I am physically, mentally, and psychologically well-off and stable. Compared to most of the world, I am relatively excellent. But, that doesn't stop me from wanting to be ideally me...)