I Have Tasted Air Above the Clouds - afterwards

"This isn't the way it's supposed to be, but this is the way it was"

(Walking home after watching I Have Tasted Air Above the Clouds,
in which the life of the Sybil is twisted into tragedy, a strong ribbon wrapped around a pole of fate and discarded, for the sake of Venus' son, Aeneas)

I started to walk
and then,

I started to cry

Not teary eyed, but
real,

rare sobs that
choked in my throat
and gasped from
my chest.

I asked the sky
with my eyes,

Whether that had been at all like the aim of my arrow -
the flight of my fate
- if it was at all like that - the way things work?
A meddling of divine intentions and arbitrary cruelty in the name of destiny? If no intentions, then can I say forces? Would randomness be preferable, or even different?

The stars behind their cloudy night: reassurance



What does it mean to say I still believe in God?

There was something I believed, and in ways, I still believe it.




It makes more sense suddenly, to talk about believing in someone else's God.
The God of Abraham or Isaac .. or the God of Rich Mullins, or of Ken, the guy I worked with over the summer, or the God as I thought of God in my former years.

What do we know of God except what we believe (What do we believe except what we know of God)? It makes sense to learn from the what others' beliefs of the God they see illuminates. They model the possible.



(This has not explained what caught in my chest)