Fractured (I glimpsed a reflection in the gathered shards)

and I realized that it was me
I was broken
I was shattered
I was scattered long ago

and the visions I see in shards around me is not a lost God, but my soul (it is both)
I am not the only searcher, wading through the mirrors casting slanted golden light. I am not the only traveler, the only gatherer, stooping for pieces smaller than myself - we all of us are pieces

I am also a sharp-edged splinter, cast down with my brothers, my sisters, and in the confusion, I have thought they were someone else. I am a piece in the puzzle collecting.

The God I saw dispersed in shining lights,
As he was dispersed,
so the self I am familiar with appeared
and wondered

I call to the stars and they call back because we spoke with the same voice. They hear their answer in my echo.

In this moment, it is I who knows this.
But, soon it will pass and reflect from a different piece of fractured glass.

a crack around cracks around cracks
and so the light gets in
and we are dazzled

I remember writing on this very blog how my life was going to be awesome, because I was going to be so aware and try so hard. I've been feeling lately that I've just been doing a lot of doing. I need to find the hole in the cracks to fall through and be somewhere real and valuable. But, that description is misleading because I still think that where I am now is a good place for me to be at this point in my life. So, maybe I'm just being dissatisfied or thinking too much about what I don't have. However, I sometimes reflect on the things that keep me busy vs. the things that feel like being where the life is.

But then again, I guess there's always life to be near and in. Need to tap into that every day. (I've been considering whether up and doing Teach For China would be a welcome and growthful change in my life, or whether it is really more of the same (in the way I'm approaching it).

In the meantime, this is somewhat encouraging, and reminds me of other ways I used to write on here ...

2.20.2012

Imogen Heap, Filmed in Hangzhou

noticed on An Aspiring Yogi in the West's blog. A blog I have a one-sided friendship with.

Sesame Street

I haven't been paying attention to sesame street in a long time, but I think these more recent clips are great. (videos on Youku, one of the Chinese Youtube sites)

This one is unexpectedly hilarious: G club

And this one is just a good reminder:Will.i.ams Song, 'What I am'

New blogging space

Please check out my new Travel Blog for actual updates.

I have been on the fence about whether or not to continue this blog. Mostly, I think this blog represents a quiet, dark, cool space in my mind that hasn't been visited or dwelt in for a long time. I am not sure if I want it there or not. When I'm feeling friendly, I accept it as part of me. When I am feeling stuck, I want to push it into the past and move forward. But, for now anyway, I am avoiding embarking upon such an internal cultural revolution. I tend to return to the desire of embracing history, even if it's just the desire.

curriculum of collisions

A few days ago -

While walking to the bus, I'd been pondering what I considered to be a connection between early heartbreak and increased maturity due to insight from having to deal with necessary lessons, whether or not they were what a person wants to learn.

There's something about the way that ideals and expectations when followed sometimes collide against the unyielding consequences of reality. And, the only thing to do with the pieces is to learn.

Then later, reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, I came across the following passage,

"He had become much more mature, as if the abandonment of his inner goals had caused him somehow to age more quickly."

This seemed relevant, but I am wary of the kind of 'aging' mentioned. Maturation and aging are different processes.

Later - talking with my brother - we concluded that it is not such a heartbreak alone that induces maturity. The victim must already be mature and willing enough to begin to climb the lessons instead of letting them bounce off ineffectively or in a way by which nothing is really learned.

And today, I noticed a quote from a friend's facebook stating that she thought "...certain maladaptive coping mechanisms are really just a lot more fun than more adaptive alternatives..."

It's true.

Even if the only thing to do is to learn, some people chose to view situations in a way that does not challenge or require them to change who they are. It is easier that way. They don't see anything to learn from.

But, those who have eyes to see find things to learn from and learn not to be afraid of the broken glass and mirrors.

This is a difficult curriculum to follow.
But, I am a student.

before the rain

This is the visual video I was thinking of when posting "pour" in which I linked to the Scala and Kolacny cover of Heartbeats (originally by The Knife and also successfully covered by José Gonzáles, as used in the fantastic Sony BRAVIA ad - watch in HD).

This video originally appeared on YouTube having an audio accompaniment of Collapse Light into Earth by Porcupine Tree as uploaded by user AbstractNumbers.



Unfortunately, the audio of the video was removed for some silly, and - considering the popularity of the video - unwise reason. Maybe if you play both videos simultaneously, you'll recreate the sense of breathtaking ___(adequate noun here)___ that the original video and audio had together. Here is the music that had to be removed in order to keep the above video on YouTube:

pour

This feels like rain,


the kind whose threads you can see in streaming sheets beneath those so-tall clouds.





(Scala & Kolacny Brothers Cover of The Knife's single "Heartbeats"

"Scala & Kolacny Brothers" is a Belgian girls' choir, conducted by Stijn Kolacny and accompanied by Steven Kolacny on the piano.)



edit
06 Mar 2010
edit

I found it. The video I was trying to think of when posting this music. The video of pre-storm originally uploaded with (but later removed) music by Porcupine Tree.
It is described in the next post

fear worth fearing

A friend of mine wrote about the mist. It is the mist that gets inside you and blinds you, so that you cannot even see yourself, let alone the way out of the mist. You might not even see the mist.

I wrote a response to her post:



Wow, this makes so much sense.

Just last night, I was talking with a friend, jokingly about how we should make normal-colored glasses to make things appear normal. (In the way that there are rose-colored glasses to make things appear.. rosy). I suggested making terrible-colored glasses out of the joke that glasses which made things 'dark' would probably be black.. and therefore... (punchline:) already exist as sunglasses.

But then we started thinking of actually what color 'terrible' might be (so as to make other things 'terrible-colored). And before I really knew what I was saying, I said it would glasses that were smudged or foggy, but you wouldn't be allowed to take them off.

I was surprised to find that I had actually begun to frighten myself with the thought because I knew what I was reminding myself of.

Reading this, it makes perfect sense why.
(Have you watched Hedgehog in the Fog yet?)


This is why we will have awesome lives.
We are afraid of something worth being afraid of, and we know to avoid it at all costs, because any cost is worth avoiding it. And I think it is easier to see fog from a distance than from within.

Thanks for posting this.

April 18, 2010 12:19 PM

The smoke, it sank into my skin

I am not hurt.
But, "Anything dead coming back to life hurts"

This might be true for live things continuing to grow and live as well.
No change without death?

New Experiment

1st)

Remember to continue imagining and moving into a world without fear.


2nd)

Imagine a world in which you are very happy with what you are doing and everything is fine. Move in that direction. It doesn't matter where you're starting from.


These exercises are not just for thinking.
Do them

Reminders from The Dog Whisperer

Cesar Millan, appears in a show called The Dog Whisperer

Cesar coaches dog owners in how to manage themselves to the benefit of their dogs' good behavior.
Referring to how to handle dogs with troubled histories, the owners learn,

"What happened [earlier] doesn't matter"

and to proceed by focusing on the question, "What do you want to create?"

To encourage owners to continue with what they've learned, he says, "remind yourself of the things you did well."

I like his attitude towards teaching and learning. When the owners succeed in following his directions with their dogs, he congratulates them, saying "I want to reward you with more challenges".

Some of the advice he has regarding dog ownership is just generally good advice for conducting oneself and being aware of others. Here, he offers some thoughts on Energy as Communication.

From the few cases I saw, it seemed that it wasn't necessarily that extra or special measures had to be taken to counteract the dogs' prior negative experiences, but that the dogs responded very well for having a calm and stable leader that would just handle them and their current situation for what it was, and who let them know clearly and fairly what was expected of them.

All the information of how to proceed, even from a difficult situation, is right there in the present for someone who can interact, listen, and move.

I Have Tasted Air Above the Clouds - afterwards

"This isn't the way it's supposed to be, but this is the way it was"

(Walking home after watching I Have Tasted Air Above the Clouds,
in which the life of the Sybil is twisted into tragedy, a strong ribbon wrapped around a pole of fate and discarded, for the sake of Venus' son, Aeneas)

I started to walk
and then,

I started to cry

Not teary eyed, but
real,

rare sobs that
choked in my throat
and gasped from
my chest.

I asked the sky
with my eyes,

Whether that had been at all like the aim of my arrow -
the flight of my fate
- if it was at all like that - the way things work?
A meddling of divine intentions and arbitrary cruelty in the name of destiny? If no intentions, then can I say forces? Would randomness be preferable, or even different?

The stars behind their cloudy night: reassurance



What does it mean to say I still believe in God?

There was something I believed, and in ways, I still believe it.




It makes more sense suddenly, to talk about believing in someone else's God.
The God of Abraham or Isaac .. or the God of Rich Mullins, or of Ken, the guy I worked with over the summer, or the God as I thought of God in my former years.

What do we know of God except what we believe (What do we believe except what we know of God)? It makes sense to learn from the what others' beliefs of the God they see illuminates. They model the possible.



(This has not explained what caught in my chest)

Thoughts on categorizations of the gender spectrum ?

The Asian Reporter" is a really interesting news source! It covers a broad variety of topics relevant to various Asian interests for readers in Portland.

In this issue, there are some articles about transgendered people (and their rights in other asian countries). The transgendered people and those lobbying for them were advocating for recognition of a 'third gender', and it seems to have catalyzed some thoughts in me, so here they are:

Disclaimers:
First, I should say I am not a transgendered person. I feel very comfortable marking female on forms and such. But, I sympathize with others' desires for a societally-valid identity. Also, what I'm thinking about here is probably a different matter from a biological standpoint, but I ignore that for now since I'm mostly considering gender identity from a standpoint of social construction. (Yes, I know that biological isn't completely separate from this)


Ok, Thoughts:

When I hear people talk about recognition of a 'third gender' (or similar topics), I can't help but think that perhaps the perceived need for another gender identity option is because the expected roles, personalities, and characteristics associated with Male/Female are too narrow. This would certainly cause a person who knows themself and desires to be true to themself to identify with neither category, thus creating a perceived need for a third category.

(Perhaps I am wrongly thinking of this third category as an Other to the binary Male, Female)

But, ... if I am not too far off, then why can't we just have acceptably broader categories of Male and Female?

The reason I wonder this is partly also because I don't feel very conventionally female.

I am definitely biologically female, but for most of my life, I have tended to prefer friendships with guys and have been interested in things that are more often associated with males - sports, logical and abstract thinking, .. and have not been interested in the activities usually associated with girls, to the extent that some girls have commented that I am weird, and chose not to invite me to their things (which was fine by me, because they're probably right). But, I don't see any of this as conflicting with my identity as female.

Now, .. if the female category was so ridiculously limited as to suggest that I was only really female if I adored the color pink, wanted a pony, and did not wish to study mathematics, (and if I could only be male if I wanted a cool car or something) then I would probably require a third gender option as well.

So I'm wondering - in order for those who do not self-identify as Male or Female to establish an accepted identity, do we really need a third category? Or do we need as a society to broaden the kinds of identities that are acceptable under the categories of Male / Female?


My thoughts here are coming down to the question:

When we check the M, F, (or Other) box on a form...

Who wants to know, and what does that even mean?
What information are we providing?
Is it biological?
demographic?
psychological?

Are there only pre-set characteristics that I am allowed to have as a person if I chose to check a box?


... is it any better for someone who does not identify as Male or Female to be lumped into a category like 'Other' ?

梅花

不怕難，不怕冷。


(In Chinese culture, plum trees are one of the 'three friends of winter' because their blossoms emerge even while there is still snow on the ground. The plum flower then, is a symbol of strength and resilience in the face of difficulty)

That's how they do it, those 梅花.. I am remembering now.
They emerge amid snows, but see and have faith in something farther off. Their trees have a vision of a better time that they prepare for. They do not feel just the winter around them, but the unseen spring crawling over the curve of the earth, which they know in their roots to be true. This does not prevent them from recognizing the winter, but they appreciate the winter in its larger context, and they anticipate beyond the horizon. They see something else coming, and are willing to endure to get a good start and meet it.

This is how I will tell my heart "No" when it asks. I think it swallows this rejection because the reply is dramatic enough to be a little indulgent.

keep walking.
This adventure gets dark and slimy sometimes, but I am finding things here. I think I am finding the right path again.

Thanks to Sam for the thoughts and music.

The Talking Parcel

The identity I acquired in my childhood years! I found some of it! This (and other shows featured on Tales of Long Ago and Far Away) has flavored me ever since I've been able to remember things!

Walk Away?

The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas
by Ursula K. LeGuin

and, I reply:

Pocket-Watch Surprise (anime, anime, and ... where did the time go?)

I am very happy that my brother is now blogging his accumulated and digested opinions on good anime. Here is the first post, Stolen Hours of Pocket-watch Surprise.

I'm excited that he will be discussing animes both that I already love and that I have not made time to appreciate yet. And, I'm looking forward to an exhaustive list (with opinions) of quality anime, especially since I have introduced him to the addictive 'Summit' inter-library loan system...

You may be thinking 'Anime? really? are you serious?"

Yes.
I believe that anime is one of the more profoundly versatile media for expressions and struggles of the human soul and condition. Good anime is a breathtaking journey in visual poetry. And yes, that goes for graphic novels and comics as well.
It is a goal of mine to have a well-versed and thorough repertoire of quality comics, graphic novels, and anime / 'cartoon' media. As a genre, it represents an significant, though often sidelined, body of literature.

My brother and I share a deep appreciation for good anime, though he has made it's study a higher priority. I think we were both inspired by a chance viewing of Miyazaki's Princess Mononoke in our earlier years, so we have high standards.

As my brother says, "Not all anime is full of strangely drawn, over exaggerated characters who just power up over and over and stare at each other in combat while hurling cheesy insults at each other. That is not the anime that I will be looking at.

I will be trying to cut through the crap and get anime that means something. That is beautiful. At the VERY least, has a good story."

mirror, mirror . . .

Since I think that the way I view other people is largely based on the way I perceive myself, . . .


in order to be more considerate and real with others,

I will need to be more reasonable and comfortable in myself.



OK.