... or a mouse?

Way back in the blurry days somewhere between first grade and third grade, when the elementary school guidance counselor, Ms. Millard would come to class with hand puppets, Dulso (that's what it sounded like to me) the Dolphin and a Sea Otter, and teach us that every person was unique and special in their own way.

Of all the times she came to class, one of my more concrete memories is of a discussion about how sometimes people give things away because they want other people to be their friends, and they think that if they give away their trading cards or their candy or their toys, that people will like them. I also remember a class discussion on how some people were like Monsters and some people were like Mice. I might be confusing two different experiences here, but - the kind of people who are like Monsters are the kind of people who put other people down because it makes them feel good about themselves (I did not understand how this worked for a very long time). The kind of people who are like Mice might be quiet and nervous about playing with others. They might give away their own toys so that other people will like them (I also did not understand this exchange for a very long time).

I'm glad that thought stayed with me for the 15 or so years since I heard it, so that this week, I could recognize this unhealthy symptom in myself -
having recognized it, I hope to dismiss it.

I have noticed that recently, I tend to feel a need to be able to provide others with something in order to be worthwhile to them - be it food, good company, or anything that I think will make their experience of being a friend of mine more enjoyable. I become overly conscious of evaluating whether I think they would decide if it was worthwhile to spend time with me.

I have been accused in the past of martyring myself, but I contend that I derive personal enjoyment from being able to share things with others, and from contributing to a good outcome overall. I think that in most circumstances, my willingness to share and contribute is generally constructive, although I recognize that things can get lopsided.

But, this is different. While I recognize that I enjoy sharing things (and food is especially fun to share), I have recently found myself feeling helpless when I don't think I have anything to offer, as though I myself and not worthwhile to others unless I have something to give them. Do I expect this of other people? No. I enjoy them for who they are and for whatever we happen to do together. Why shouldn't I think that friends would expect nothing more of me?


I am trying to relax and to trust that my friends are my friends,
regardless of any consideration of how I can benefit them.




Thanks, Mrs. Millard.