confessions

A friend recently told me about his philosophy learned long ago that "confession is the most human approach."


What he had to say about it felt personally unburdening. In that spirit, and in a desire to continue a sense of unburdening, I considered that I might try confessing one of my crimes against myself (and others)-



I thought before, that if I ever had a boyfriend, I did not want to be the person who and neglects her other friends for the sake of a relationship. I can try to argue extenuating circumstances - I was trying to do the best I could - but excuses aside, I failed. It troubles me that I could manifest this disparity of intention and action on a topic that is so important to me. There are exceptions, but in general, inside, I feel that I have betrayed many of my friends, and I can only hope for forgiveness and re-acceptance.

I harbor a fear that if others knew of such severe inconsistencies (mistakes, or poorly-applied intentions) within myself, that they will realize that I am a less worthwhile person and that they need not bother with me further. Or that, having been out-of-the-loop, I will not be able to re-enter. I feel like while having been 'away', I may have become a slightly different creature than before, and should allow friends the ability to decide that I am no longer the friend they wanted.

I haven't brought this up to anyone because I think they would tell me it was a silly idea, which I already know. I already know that this fear is largely irrational, and therefore it makes no sense to try apologizing for it or addressing it in some legitimizing manner.

I find myself frequently feeling insecure and wanting to prove myself willing and able to return to being friends with people who probably did not fault me for my absence to begin with. Of course, this insecurity means I continue to be not-fully-present. In order to be a proper friend, I know ought to drop this useless attempt to make up for my previous absence and just relax back into the order of confident friendship.



But, even though I know this -
I don't seem to have internalized it.




I am sorry, friends,
for not being an available friend before,
and now,
for needing (and failing) to feel 'good enough,' and
for feeling ashamed and doubting the friendships that you have continued to extend.