I choose not to care
I think am learning that the person I fell in love with either did not, or at least now does not, exist.
I loved a nonexistent friend who spoke clarity through confusion, who held my hand and guided me home at night, who encouraged me to challenge myself, who was interested in my thoughts, who hugged me for staying up with him and warding off the hallucinations of sleepless nights, and for whom I tried to persevere and be a strong and capable person. I loved him after I ceased to recognize the person who looked like him.
A real and present friend of mine has a difficult lack of relationship with her distant and un-present father. She wrote once a while back that she would not care about him any more - not out of any sense of malice or ill will, but - simply out of the precaution that people you do not care about cannot hurt you, and she no longer wished to be hurt.
I suppose
that a friend who does not exist cannot feel hurt or hold it against me if I decide that I can no longer care
4 comments:
and after all... who is there to care about?
Do you know the scene in Spirited Away where Chihiro first pulls the bicycle out of the side of the river god at the bath house. The bicycle is connected to, and dislodges with it a slew of other filth and debris in a long and tangled string of trash and waste.
Sometimes I feel like that - the obstinate chunks of debris being extracted - but, I will be a clean river.
*/hug/*
This is very profound. And I totally get the Chihiro reference.
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