Still Alive

today is many things.
among them:

3 years ago today,

St. Max and I were baptized in the swimming pool by a friend of ours.

I like considering 2.21 a personal holiday -
this year, as a birthday.

It's a reminder of how very possible it is for things to feel new, light, and agile.

I have been trying to remember what it felt like to die and wake up again,
free and able to move life in response toward anything,
free to spend it on anything,
no sense of expectations to suggest otherwise.


I have a ritual to perform later tonight.
Rituals are for our own good.


The days seem to repeat quickly, but it seems like such a long time between years.
So very much happens in between.
But, here I am again,
remembering an unknown love that has been my unseen guardian.

I don't feel like I know or understand God.
But if he's there, I've seen Him work,
and if he's not there,
I still need a word for the depth of the fabric of this existence that has at least kept me together this long.

I'm trying to remember what my decision three years ago was.
I have not been very faithful to this baptism dye job.