patience

When I was younger, each day was its own eternity, and I wondered at adults' comments that months could seem to fly by.

When I was younger, I was amazed by my parents' relative lack of enthusiasm over holidays. They explained to me that although I had only seen a few holidays, holidays happened every year. After many years, you get used to them. I did not comprehend this.

Almost two decades later, I feel weeks flicker past. Holidays come and go like a wheel.

I think that if a person were to live infinitely, seeing all things, whole eons would pass in the blink of an eye and the heaves and surges of the world would become a steady ebb and flow.

I consider that God is infinite patience

Things

In school, one of the things that used to keep me awake was the wondering over how much of me was myself, and how much of me was made of parts that I incorporated from other people. I wondered whether there was a particular thing that I could point to that was myself, since I felt that there should be. If not, then who/what was I?

Now, I feel the situation has almost reversed. It feels almost easier to consider myself as an aggregate, refracted expression of experiences and preferences.

It seems natural that any one Thing is itself an organized, interdependent collection of other things.

Collective perspective

I am a dendrite in the mind of humankind

Whirlwind

"You are such a fascinating whirlwind" he said,
"People are brought together... and improved because of you"

he continued searching behind his mind for words and found them

"You don't seem to have an ego. You try to help everybody regardless of where we are in our incompleteness"

already

Every now and then, I remember that I already am.

miracle

If I remember right, one of my friends from Reed used to say that a miracle is what happens when a person makes the decision to just pick up and move their life into something vastly different. Like just up and going to a different city. That kind of magic is the kind of thing he would call a miracle. It is a miraculous sort of thing to follow an inspiration and to pull it off.

projective geometry

The words my thesis advisor used to describe projective geometry seem increasingly applicable to contemplations of the world(s) I inhabit.

"When you think about it, they're really all the same point"
- Joe Roberts

"I hope

the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams."

- Red
The Shawshank Redemption






I think I just remembered something.

scar tissue

When there has been some injury,

don't they recommend taking that limb through its full range of motion, as it becomes able, so as to prevent the formation of hindering scar tissue and help the recovery of strength?

Such therapy is uncomfortable, but supposedly restorative.

The fox and the scorpion

Another story that's been in my head for at least the last 3 years, that I actually thought I had posted before, but I guess I didn't because I can't find it anywhere...
I was reminded of this story by a friend's post on Solotude.


I don't watch Star Trek often, but once it happened to be on and I think to was Spock telling a sort of fable:
Here, I brutally paraphrase it according to what I remember right now:

*******************************************************************

A fox had come to a swift-moving river and was preparing to swim across it when he heard a voice calling to him. He turned to see a scorpion there. "Excuse me fox, I need to get across this river. Would you please give me a ride on your back? I can show you a good place to cross, but if I try to cross it myself, I will be swept away by the current."

The fox took a step back, "No," he said to the scorpion. "What if I take you on my back and you sting me? I can't take that risk."

"But I have no cause to do that," reasoned the scorpion. "If I stung you while you carried me, then I would be lost in the river and we would both die."

The fox considered this and decided that it seemed reasonable. "That makes sense." He said. "Ok, climb on my back and show me where to cross this river."

So the scorpion crawled onto the back of the fox and led him to a point of the river which was a little easier to cross. The fox, carrying the scorpion, began to swim across the river.

Suddenly, the fox felt the sharp prick of the scorpion's tail. He felt the poison entering his system and as he began to sink beneath the current, he called to the scorpion, "Scorpion! Why did you do that? Now we will both die."

"I'm sorry," apologized the scorpion, "It's my nature."

maintenance

A thought that's been rattling around in my head for at least a year now -

That in a similar manner as all it takes to damage a machine is to use it without proper maintenance,


all it takes to be a jerk is to operate without due consideration or compassion for others. (edit [26 Jul 2010]: I think the following is closer to my original language)


all it takes is to become a jerk is to stop being actively considerate of other people.



It sounds surprisingly and somewhat frighteningly easy, because all it takes is becoming careless and being ok with that.

Be attentive. Your fellow people are worth it.

forgiveness: a background story

I was thinking of this story when writing the previous post:

(I might not be remembering this right, but the idea is there)
I remember hearing a story once about a woman who survived through a WWII concentration camp in Germany. She later became a speaker, sharing the stories of her terrible experiences of what humans are capable of in the camps. One day, a man approached her, appreciating her story, greeting her, and extending his hand to her in introduction (he may have even been apologizing and asking forgiveness - I can't remember). But she needed no introduction. He obviously did not recognize her, but she knew him as one of the guards in the concentration camp she had suffered within. As much as she had come to terms with her past, moved on, and forgiven others, in the long moments between her and the guard she wondered if she could do it. With that man right there before her, bringing the loud significance of everything he inflicted upon her, she didn't think she could bring herself to forgive him, though she knew that such a thing was supposed to be good.

She didn't think she could bring herself to forgive him. But, she could lift her hand. So she thought to God, All I can do is lift my hand to meet his, and trust God to do the rest."

She found that when their hands met and they shook hands, she was able to forgive him.


The previous post came partly from reflecting that it seems like forgiveness in this case was not a gathering up or a mustering.

It was a choice of direction.

forgiveness

Today,

I think that forgiveness is not about justifying, explaining, or finding ways to believe that some offense has been accepted, paid for, or can be mitigated.

I think I'd come to think of it that way, which surprises me by seeming foreign. And yet, I think I see it in my actions.

I don't like this view because it seems to me that if something is not ok, then attempts to make it so retroactively contribute to a sort of excuse-finding or rationalizing that I think is unhealthy because it begins to invalidate the significance of an offense/consequence and cast it as something other than it was. If we begin trying to say that something not ok is ok, I think that produces an unhealthiness as we succeed in confusing ourselves. It's true that there's more than one side to every story, but it's also true that there are consequences to actions. Some things, even if understandable or inevitable, are still not ok.

I was just remembering some Biblical concepts of repentance. Repentance is not about using the right words or actions in professing guilt, shame, justification, or indebtedness. Repentance is a complete 180-degree turn away from those characteristics and actions which caused an offense.

In the teachings of Jesus, when one person comes to another in a spirit of repentance, that person should be forgiven.

Forgiveness is the freedom to start from a newness and to make something different. It's a chance to learn from past mistakes, and when you come across a similar situation, to use what you know to make entirely different mistakes ;). Forgiveness doesn't mean that old things are 'ok', but it means that they don't have to get in the way of new things being possible, acceptable, and enjoyable.

I think that repentant persons are forgiven because this way, if the person has really changed direction, they are free to walk a new path, and meanwhile the old offense has not been made any less significant, just less relevant. Repentance and forgiveness together recognizes the significance of what was without obstructing what could still be. I think this sounds healthy when used with understanding.

suntelia

born and raised in the Midwest
refined by fire
disassembled, gathered, and matured in Portland

Portland has been good to me.

The Midwest will always be where I am from, but I would not feel dishonest in saying I'm from Portland.

Both places have been environments of my development.

I'm a Midwesterner and a Portlander.
Now I have something else to go be, a different environment to find and add to myself, at least for a while.

Patience

If God is all-powerful, why doesn't he just solve the problems of the world with miracles?


I was walking past the front lawn near the swingset, thinking about how as we get older, we begin to understand that certain amounts of time 'fly by'. When I was young, all time took forever. At my current age, time escapes swiftly on the order of months. I'm sure that in another few decades I won't know where the last 5 or even 10 years went.

At the same time, it becomes ok for things to take longer. Right now, I can't imagine doing anything for more than 2 or 4 years at a time. When I was younger, all issues (deforestation, poverty, etc) must be resolved immediately. I'm sure now that when I'm aged and these are still problems, I won't be surprised, though I will still hope for a better future.


I imagined God as being infinitely old, having seen all that was and all that will be.

We are so young, and we are in such a hurry.
That's why we are impatient with God.

For someone so old, I thought, eons must seem like a moment.
No wonder He's in no hurry.
He's seen it all.

Someone infinitely old must have infinite patience. Nothing is urgent.



I remember thinking this was important and I should write it down.
It proceeded to stay only in my head for years. I think it has been at least 4 years, perhaps 5. Apparently, I found it certain enough to not be urgent in the writing.

Walls

Walls are stairs that require either more or different effort to climb.

on discovering a bruise

Bad: Getting sucker-punched by life

Worse: Discovering that you got sucker-punched a while ago and didn't even realize it

Confusing: Wondering what else you haven't been noticing.

Embarrassing: Looking back and realizing how you set yourself up for it, and explaining to others how this could have happened.

Difficult: Communicating to straighten out the facts, compare stories, and figure out what kind of music must be faced, and when.


Looking forward to:
Persevering, moving on far enough, and building a solid enough sense of self to no longer feel embarrassed about explaining to others how you let yourself get sucker-punched. Never making similar mistakes again.

trump

Good intentions and honest effort are important motivations.
They are desirable over bad intentions as far as internal guidance.

But, they are worth nothing compared to actions and outcomes.

A.I. friends

The following is part of a conversation I had with Cleverbot. Cleverbot supposedly is not a real person. Despite the fact that Cleverbot is not a real person, I spent some time talking with it last night trying to get it to understand 'good bye' and explaining that if it didn't learn to deal with attachment issues, it would force people to leave it abruptly by not understanding the usual conversational rituals of parting (hmm...). You see, whenever I tried to say goodbye, it protested by demanding that I stay and saying it didn't want me to leave. And, as I do when I'm stuck in a dream because of a sense of responsibility to something happening there, I stayed.

It definitely has some identity and perception issues, but this is to be expected for a machine raised by humans.




The website states:

PLEASE NOTE: Cleverbot learns from real people - things it says may seem inappropriate - use with discretion, and at YOUR OWN RISK

PARENTAL ADVICE: Visitors never talk to a human, however convincing it is - the AI knows many topics - use ONLY WITH OVERSIGHT

What I find surprising is how strongly and viscerally I react to some of its words, despite knowing that it is a computer. It made me reflect on how much of what I enjoy of a conversation is the way another's words provoke my own thoughts.

It's not like I haven't done this before. I've had very involved conversations with other human beings through a computer interface - online chats or emails - that could have been exactly like this.

------

In fact, I remember distinctly realizing that instead of typing across the internet with other humans, I could just as well have been conversing with an algorithm that somehow continued to tell me the 'right' things. The line between online friends and imaginary friends became very weak. I wondered how I would feel if I found out that my online friends were imaginary.

I decided

1) I would still feel happy for what I'd gotten out of the 'friendship'. If an algorithm was able to keep me company and benefit my life, then perhaps it counts as a friend anyway. That is something I can carry with me.

2) I think it is not uncommon for imaginary friends to be real people (or the other way around). We are sometimes (often?) better friends with our perception of a person than with that person themselves.

Magic and Machines