identity (and gender)

Walking downtown today, I was talking with a friend about some ideas involving personal preferences and how/whether those can be easily cast and grouped into gender differences.

My (female) friend, who is studying patriarchy and such things, commented that when a society creates a role or pattern of expectations for women, it necessarily requires the men to inhabit the complement - the other half of those expectations.

I had recognized something along these lines earlier and can recall being very upset by recognizing that if a person who happened to be a man enjoyed something that is usually associated with something that girls are supposed to like, then he might be subject to criticism that inhibits him from developing that aspect of himself, and that seems like it could be crippling. There is a way that people unfold, develop, and grow into specialized individuals through their interests that can be devastating if inhibited or denied. I'd viewed a lot of the societal confusion over gender identification as a way of being confused over what it means to identify as a person - to have a set of personal likes, dislikes, appreciations, inclinations and to be allowed to own and express that knowledge of yourself - for a person to be him or herself without being judged, questioned, undermined, or subject to the implication that other people knew better than that person what they enjoyed.

My (female) friend observed that it seems more socially difficult for a male to seem somewhat feminine than for a woman to take on a more masculine role. I have agreed that "The radical notion that women can be people too" when viewed in action often seems to read more like "The radical notion that women can be men" - which doesn't do anything to challenge the idea that the default person is a man, and that others are deviants from this standard. We agreed that not everyone should be men and that not everyone should try to accommodate some average but that there are real differences (or at least strong trends) between men and women which ought to be recognized, appreciated, and in a complementary manner. On a more ubiquitous manner, I suppose this translates to the recognition and celebration of the differences exhibited in individuals.

(One of the strongest personalities I know of happens to belong to a woman. Perhaps she would support the "radical notion that people can be women too". She goes by Storm Large, is even bigger than her name, and wrote this song expressing 'where she's from' which is wonderful on many levels, including as a possible response to the notion of 'penis envy' (wikipedia link).)

Throughout my life, it has been casually observed by myself and others that I feel very comfortable around guys and enjoy spending time with friends who are guys (and did not particularly enjoy spending time with groups of girls). I have sometimes felt that this made me different from some other girls, but I never felt any kind of undue pressure because of it nor any need to fit in. And, of the girls that I felt close to, many seemed to feel similarly as I did.

A couple years ago, this was called into question. A different (male) friend suggested to me that it was odd for a girl to spend so much time around guys and comparatively little with other girls. At first, I thought that perhaps this friend just had a different view of what it meant to be friends, and that there was not much space for inter-gender interaction there. I did begin to think though, that maybe there was some important part about developing as a girl that I was missing by not spending more time in the company of other girls and being... more feminine ... or something. ...Maybe I liked hanging out with guys because I like going places where I might not fit - maybe I defaulted to hanging out with guys out of some kind of fear of being rejected by 'my own kind'. Maybe it was limiting and sexist to adopt such simplified statements as 'I like hanging out with guys" because - as that same friend pointed out at another time - when we see ourselves as a certain kind of person, we sometimes begin to hold that image as particular to our identity and then it is less subject to change or revision or modification depending on the circumstances. We may let that image of ourselves eclipse the best way to handle a situation instead of growing and adapting with it.

- around that time (a couple of years ago), I began to feel much less comfortable with guys that I had previously been on very good terms with. This bothered me because I thought I was only feeling this way because of the comments my (male) friend had made about it. I tried to ignore that for a while because I saw no reason for it to affect me. I did not think I was playing on gender differences or trying to get attention from guys. Having spent so much time with guys, I'd talked about girls with them, saw the ways they could be affected by girls, and paid attention to acting and dressing in ways that I thought were respectful to them (which was sort of my style anyway). I saw nothing wrong, disrespectful, or deceptive there. But who knows, perhaps I would have felt differently even without my (male) friend's comments.

Over time and many other contributing factors, I fell off with a lot of my friends.

Recently though, I have been feeling much better about various components of myself and my life.

*******
story time

I read a story long ago about a woman who trained and ran foot races at an earlier time when the vast majority of runners and athletic participants were men. Once, there was a race with somewhat bad weather, and the wives of all the racers huddled in preparation with towels, food and warm clothes to spring upon them when they finished. After the race, one of the woman racer's male friends turned to her and said something along the lines of "come on, let's get away from all these women." and the woman racer recognized the significance in the fact that although her male friend had used the word 'women', he did not associate her with the women, but rather as 'one of the guys.'
*********

Last weekend, I was able to hang out with 'the guys' that I'd met at a former workplace. It was very good to see them all again, both individually and as a group - they are a lot of fun and pretty great people. Later, we went to a pub to shoot pool (I had to be instructed again in the ways of pool), and some of the more notable features of that evening for me were

That it felt so natural to be with friends circulating that kind of energy of being 'one of the guys'

That whenever I felt odd, it was never because I was being treated differently, but because I would begin to second-guess myself down from being 'one of the guys' to being 'the girl' and irritating myself by feeling necessarily awkward.

That the above item never seemed to phase them.

There is a way that being with that kind of group feels somehow 'at home' to me, and I will not discourage myself from it, or let others discourage me.

I actually feel some kind of very self-affirming confidence in acknowledging this - that yes, I do like hanging out with guys or maybe better: the kind of people that I enjoy spending time with and feeling comfortably myself around are often guys. That is a characteristic of me, and right now it feels very freeing to assert. The fact that recognizing and acting on this is a conscious accomplishment for me tells me that this is probably something that I have, in the past, depressed within myself and a way that I have not 'been myself'.

When I was in Sunday School, learning the 10 Commandments, I asked the meaning of the word 'adultery' and was given the explanation that it meant that boys and girls should not live together unless they are married. I was relieved to find that girls could live together (at that time my best friends (girls) and I were planning our future house, and not allowing boys sounded like a non-issue).

Now, as am looking forward to moving into a house with two friends of mine (both guys), I am amused to remember this story, and I am excited about soon beginning what I think will be a Very Good year.


Am I limiting myself by owning this aspect of my identity? I don't think so. I don't think I select friends based on gender, but that it happens that the kind of people I enjoy spending time with are often male. And, I do think that I will not discourage myself from engaging with the people or the activities that feel worthwhile and beneficial to me, especially when they seem to enjoy me as well. I think that knowing and asserting this about myself is enabling and freeing.

aahhhhhh :)


....
another (female) friend has recently asked what I think about identifying as a 'girl' or a 'woman'
so now I will have to think about that some more.