E

(The cure for Passion is Eternity)


(Brilliant guitarist and songwriter Danny Schmidt, "This too shall pass.")

Know then thyself

Know Then Thyself
by
Alexander Pope
1688-1744


Know then thyself, presume not God to scan
The proper study of Mankind is Man.
Plac'd on this isthmus of a middle state
A Being darkly wise, and rudely great:
With too much knowledge for the Skeptic side,
With too much weakness for the Stoic's pride,
He hangs between; in doubt to act, or rest;
In doubt to deem himself a God, or Beast;
In doubt his Mind or Body to prefer;
Born but to die, and reas'ning but to err;

Alike in ignorance, his reason such,
Whether he thinks too little, or too much:
Chaos of Thought and Passion, all confus'd
Still by himself abus'd, or disabus'd;
Created half to rise, and half to fall;
Great lord of all things, yet a prey to all;
Sole judge of truth, in endless error hurl'd:
The glory, jest, and riddle of the world!

Self-love, the spring of motion, acts the soul;
Reason's comparing balance rules the whole.
Man, but for that, no action could attend,
And, but for this, were active to no end:
Fix'd like a plant on his peculiar spot,
To draw nutrition, propagate, and rot;
Or, meteor-like, flame lawless through the void,
Destroying others, by himself destroy'd.


Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,
As, to be hated, needs but to be seen;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.
But where th' extreme of vice, was ne'er agreed:
Ask where's the north? at York, 'tis on the Tweed;
In Scotland, at the Orcades; and there,
At Greenland, Zembla, or the Lord knows where.
No creature owns it in the first degree,
But thinks his neighbour farther gone than he;
Ev'n those who dwell beneath its very zone,
Or never feel the rage, or never own;
What happier natures shrink at with affright,
The hard inhabitant contends is right.

Honor and shame from no condition rise;
Act well your part. There all the honour lies.
Fortune in men has some small diff'rence made
One flaunts in rags, one flutters in brocade,
The cobbler apron'd, and the parson gown'd,
The friar hooded, and the monarch crown'd.
'What differ more,' you cry, 'than crown and cowl?'
I'll tell you, friend! a wise man and a fool.
You'll find, if once the monarch acts the monk
Or, cobbler-like, the parson will be drunk,
Worth makes the man. And want of it the fellow!
The rest is all but leather or prunella.

Back

As my more recent post activity suggests, I am back.

My voice and my writing, I will again claim as my own.
I thought about moving on to a new blog, of abandoning what I thought of as old words and old self. I thought if I started clean, then maybe I could escape the silencing voices and continue clean.
And I can still move on to claim and develop new territories.
But, I am here to claim my past as well as my present. I become more willing to remain and continuously smooth the distance between my past and my future. I hope they can both learn from each other.

Am I proud of everything in this blog? no.
Are there immaturities? yes. But, they are a part of me as well, and I will try to own them too, and we will all grow.
I am back, and as always, there is a lot of work to do.

The Tree

The tree is more than first a seed, then a stem, then a living trunk, and then dead timber. The tree is a slow, enduring force straining to win the sky.

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, French Writer and Aviator (1900 - 1944)

Breakfast at Lili's

Cinnamon roll french toast!

identity (and gender)

Walking downtown today, I was talking with a friend about some ideas involving personal preferences and how/whether those can be easily cast and grouped into gender differences.

My (female) friend, who is studying patriarchy and such things, commented that when a society creates a role or pattern of expectations for women, it necessarily requires the men to inhabit the complement - the other half of those expectations.

I had recognized something along these lines earlier and can recall being very upset by recognizing that if a person who happened to be a man enjoyed something that is usually associated with something that girls are supposed to like, then he might be subject to criticism that inhibits him from developing that aspect of himself, and that seems like it could be crippling. There is a way that people unfold, develop, and grow into specialized individuals through their interests that can be devastating if inhibited or denied. I'd viewed a lot of the societal confusion over gender identification as a way of being confused over what it means to identify as a person - to have a set of personal likes, dislikes, appreciations, inclinations and to be allowed to own and express that knowledge of yourself - for a person to be him or herself without being judged, questioned, undermined, or subject to the implication that other people knew better than that person what they enjoyed.

My (female) friend observed that it seems more socially difficult for a male to seem somewhat feminine than for a woman to take on a more masculine role. I have agreed that "The radical notion that women can be people too" when viewed in action often seems to read more like "The radical notion that women can be men" - which doesn't do anything to challenge the idea that the default person is a man, and that others are deviants from this standard. We agreed that not everyone should be men and that not everyone should try to accommodate some average but that there are real differences (or at least strong trends) between men and women which ought to be recognized, appreciated, and in a complementary manner. On a more ubiquitous manner, I suppose this translates to the recognition and celebration of the differences exhibited in individuals.

(One of the strongest personalities I know of happens to belong to a woman. Perhaps she would support the "radical notion that people can be women too". She goes by Storm Large, is even bigger than her name, and wrote this song expressing 'where she's from' which is wonderful on many levels, including as a possible response to the notion of 'penis envy' (wikipedia link).)

Throughout my life, it has been casually observed by myself and others that I feel very comfortable around guys and enjoy spending time with friends who are guys (and did not particularly enjoy spending time with groups of girls). I have sometimes felt that this made me different from some other girls, but I never felt any kind of undue pressure because of it nor any need to fit in. And, of the girls that I felt close to, many seemed to feel similarly as I did.

A couple years ago, this was called into question. A different (male) friend suggested to me that it was odd for a girl to spend so much time around guys and comparatively little with other girls. At first, I thought that perhaps this friend just had a different view of what it meant to be friends, and that there was not much space for inter-gender interaction there. I did begin to think though, that maybe there was some important part about developing as a girl that I was missing by not spending more time in the company of other girls and being... more feminine ... or something. ...Maybe I liked hanging out with guys because I like going places where I might not fit - maybe I defaulted to hanging out with guys out of some kind of fear of being rejected by 'my own kind'. Maybe it was limiting and sexist to adopt such simplified statements as 'I like hanging out with guys" because - as that same friend pointed out at another time - when we see ourselves as a certain kind of person, we sometimes begin to hold that image as particular to our identity and then it is less subject to change or revision or modification depending on the circumstances. We may let that image of ourselves eclipse the best way to handle a situation instead of growing and adapting with it.

- around that time (a couple of years ago), I began to feel much less comfortable with guys that I had previously been on very good terms with. This bothered me because I thought I was only feeling this way because of the comments my (male) friend had made about it. I tried to ignore that for a while because I saw no reason for it to affect me. I did not think I was playing on gender differences or trying to get attention from guys. Having spent so much time with guys, I'd talked about girls with them, saw the ways they could be affected by girls, and paid attention to acting and dressing in ways that I thought were respectful to them (which was sort of my style anyway). I saw nothing wrong, disrespectful, or deceptive there. But who knows, perhaps I would have felt differently even without my (male) friend's comments.

Over time and many other contributing factors, I fell off with a lot of my friends.

Recently though, I have been feeling much better about various components of myself and my life.

*******
story time

I read a story long ago about a woman who trained and ran foot races at an earlier time when the vast majority of runners and athletic participants were men. Once, there was a race with somewhat bad weather, and the wives of all the racers huddled in preparation with towels, food and warm clothes to spring upon them when they finished. After the race, one of the woman racer's male friends turned to her and said something along the lines of "come on, let's get away from all these women." and the woman racer recognized the significance in the fact that although her male friend had used the word 'women', he did not associate her with the women, but rather as 'one of the guys.'
*********

Last weekend, I was able to hang out with 'the guys' that I'd met at a former workplace. It was very good to see them all again, both individually and as a group - they are a lot of fun and pretty great people. Later, we went to a pub to shoot pool (I had to be instructed again in the ways of pool), and some of the more notable features of that evening for me were

That it felt so natural to be with friends circulating that kind of energy of being 'one of the guys'

That whenever I felt odd, it was never because I was being treated differently, but because I would begin to second-guess myself down from being 'one of the guys' to being 'the girl' and irritating myself by feeling necessarily awkward.

That the above item never seemed to phase them.

There is a way that being with that kind of group feels somehow 'at home' to me, and I will not discourage myself from it, or let others discourage me.

I actually feel some kind of very self-affirming confidence in acknowledging this - that yes, I do like hanging out with guys or maybe better: the kind of people that I enjoy spending time with and feeling comfortably myself around are often guys. That is a characteristic of me, and right now it feels very freeing to assert. The fact that recognizing and acting on this is a conscious accomplishment for me tells me that this is probably something that I have, in the past, depressed within myself and a way that I have not 'been myself'.

When I was in Sunday School, learning the 10 Commandments, I asked the meaning of the word 'adultery' and was given the explanation that it meant that boys and girls should not live together unless they are married. I was relieved to find that girls could live together (at that time my best friends (girls) and I were planning our future house, and not allowing boys sounded like a non-issue).

Now, as am looking forward to moving into a house with two friends of mine (both guys), I am amused to remember this story, and I am excited about soon beginning what I think will be a Very Good year.


Am I limiting myself by owning this aspect of my identity? I don't think so. I don't think I select friends based on gender, but that it happens that the kind of people I enjoy spending time with are often male. And, I do think that I will not discourage myself from engaging with the people or the activities that feel worthwhile and beneficial to me, especially when they seem to enjoy me as well. I think that knowing and asserting this about myself is enabling and freeing.

aahhhhhh :)


....
another (female) friend has recently asked what I think about identifying as a 'girl' or a 'woman'
so now I will have to think about that some more.

Game Over

The Game Is Over, When You Choose To Win ...

Message from Future Self

"Don't worry, there's no rush. Take good care of yourself and keep your head up. Have faith - it will be ok."

faith enough

I had been thinking recently about how nice it feels to have faith in something -

Things like getting up in the morning -

like the faith that if I can make it over the edge of the bed, then the light outside will keep me moving - and morning light is beautiful,

like the faith that there might be a breakfast.


Things like how people may respond if addressed - most are willing to return a greeting.


These things give me faith enough to start.

footprints

Years ago, a friend of mine spoke with great admiration of a someone he'd met on a hike who was really tough. So tough that my friend remembered him hiking on through the sand though the blood was beginning to run out of his shoes.

At the time, I did not see what was so impressive about this. Such a person must have been ill-prepared or not maintaining themselves well. I thought poorly of the person in this story for not taking better care of himself and his important-for-hiking feet. I would not want to emulate someone who had let himself get into such a condition.

Over time, as I remembered the story, I felt myself align more and more with wanting to be like the person who trudged on despite the blood soaking out of his shoes. I wondered if this was a sign that my sense of values and situation management were beginning to lapse. I wondered if maybe I was feeling this way out of a sense of sympathy to a characteristic that my friend seemed to admire so much about this person.

But, I suppose that it isn't quite right to either admire or condemn someone for something like bleeding shoes. I certainly don't know the context of the story, and perhaps there was some unfortunate reason why things turned out that way. I hope I would not be walking in his shoes, but they are still his own shoes.


***

I read a folktale somehwhere about a chief of a tribe who was growing older. As he aged, a younger man, considering the chief to be old and weak, challenged him for leadership of the tribe. The chief acknowledge that perhaps he was no longer fit and they ought to subject themselves to competitions to determine who would be the best ruler. I forget exactly what the contests were, but one of them involved a test to see who could withstand fire longest. The chief just put his arm into the fire until his armhairs began to singe, then he pulled out his arm and quickly cooled it. The young challenger thrust his head into the fire to show that he was brave and strong. He kept his head in as his hairs burned off and his flesh began to blister. The people of the tribe cheered for him since he was winning all the contests by a great margin. There were several tests, and they all went like this. Finally, at the end, with everyone watching and calling for the leadership of the younger man, the chief addressed them all and recounted the results of the tests. In all of them, the chief admitted his defeat and that the young man was the victor. BUT, he said... is this the man that you want leading your tribe? The tests had taken their toll on the young man and his exertion and determination in them had left him burned, injured, weakened. The chief on the other hand, remained fit and sound. The people realized the sort of leadership that the young man offered was too rash and hot-tempered, too willing to expend great resources and force. And so, the accepted the continued, wizened leadership of the old chief.

only consequences

About two years ago, as I considered how to make decisions and carry out actions, I felt myself being slowly paralyzed as my mind began to see more and more clearly the thought:

There is no good or bad - only consequences

I felt a paralyzing fear that this might be true.
I have been grappling with this in various ways for almost two years and I think I have finally come to terms with and even feel somewhat comfortable with this idea.

Who knows if it's right.
You could probably argue a lot regarding what this must mean for my ethical/moral condition or something.

For now I will choose to think that it this means I am less subject to thinking of how I should or shouldn't be doing something and more comfortable with making choices and proceeding to manage the consequences of my choices. Rather than considering what the 'right' decision is, I feel more comfortable considering the consequences of various options and choosing which consequences I would like to continue with.
I think there is something very good about this.

Li'l Oven

I remember being rather young and reading a picture book about a little girl who often plays at her friend's house.

While she plays there, she notices that the other little girl sometimes runs happily to her parents, saying "I need a li'l oven an' some 'uggin!". And then her father will put down his briefcase and bend over to pick her up and give her a hug.

The little girl feels very nice about this and wants this to happen to her too, so when she goes home to her own house, she walks up to her mother and says, "I need a li'l oven." The mother is a little confused, and says well we have an oven here. But the little girl shakes her head and says "that's not the one I want." She tries again when her father comes home, "I need a li'l oven." The parents are confused, but they want to make her happy and see her smile, so they say tomorrow, we will go and find a little oven for you.

Bright and early the next day they got started, and went around to all kinds of toy places. They even found a cute little oven that could really bake small sheets of cookies. But each time they say, "is that the one you want?", the little girl shook her head and says, "no, that's not the one I want." Her parents felt sad because they don't know what to give her even though they looked all day.

As they arrive home, they are getting home at the same time as the father of the friend who lives next door. As the girl's parents get out of the car, they see the neighbor girl run to her father saying, "I need a li'l oven, an' some 'uggin!" and they see him sweep her up in his arms.

They look at their own daughter. "Is that the one you want?" Their little girl smiles, "Yes, that's it." And they sweep her up into their arms and carry her inside.

*****

I remember reading this book and trying it on my parents. I told them about the book and they said that certainly if I ever wanted that, it was good to to ask. Because, they said, a lot of people want to be loved and hugged, but they don't ask. Why not? was my automatic response. Because, they said, sometimes they just don't know how.

(The conversation went something like that)

Corsica is now for sale

on ebay!

Even if you don't plan to bid,
the description is worth a read.

ins verderben (or, coin side dents)

no life without growth
no growth without change
no change without death


destruction is "one side of the coin".
All "coins" have at least two sides. A sphere viewed from the side looks like a coin, although a sphere has no sides in the way that we think of a coin.
I am learning to see and appreciate whole coins and unseen elephants.

Coins have many sides, and perhaps none.
Everything can be learned from.
Stories continue.


***************************

And I didn't tell you how the story continued, did I?


The captain sprang into action, commanding his crew to reverse direction, lighten the load, turn sails, row, row, row! as the sea and hollow wind compelled the ship towards the falls at the end of the world. But, it was too late - they were committed. The hound had gone, but its task was complete. The captain soon realized this and resigned himself to a new course of action: tie everything down, stow everything away. The only possible result of attempted escape was to be dragged backwards over the falls.

He ordered the ship turned and guided directly for the edge of the world. They would go over. The great ship swung, directed towards a nearer horizon than any had before sailed into. Their course set, the crew and captain scrambled to fasten themselves in Above the lip of falling water, great vapor clouds rose and wrapped in the chilling empty howl of wind. Carried on the roaring sea, the ship approached, and joined the falling waters through the empty air below.

When the captain awoke and pushed himself free, he stumbled out into a cavernous world. Slowly, he discovered more of his ship and his crew, in surprisingly good condition. The roar of the falls echoed in a constant atmosphere of sound. They had plunged into a deep lake far below the earth and washed onto a feature of twisted rock. He turned, surveying the environment and saw only rock, formed and molded like clay, rising on all sides around gaping tunnels.

If they intended to continue, and return home, they would have to find a way through the dark passages to the surface.

They had arrived in Hades.

(Here, I do not remember how the story continues. It involves exploring, daring, cleverness, and trickery. But they do return to the surface. And of course, even more story continues from there.)

(if any parts of this story sound familiar to anyone, I would really like to find this book again! It is not a novel. More of a picture-and-story book claiming to be Norse legends. I read it as a child, remember some, and am paraphrasing a LOT.)

"Competency vs Kindness"

For a long time, I had felt somewhat contemptuously about philosophy. The ways I heard it talked about, it always seemed too artificial and withdrawn to justify the tremendous self-important ego I considered its abstract entity to have.

Later in school and in my own time, I read more broadly and deeply about the 'earlier philosophers' and philosophies from other parts of the world, and I came to appreciate a sense of vivacity - the desire to seek life and the urge to live well.

That's what I appreciate about these guys: TrackersNW. Admittedly, I don't know too much about them, but from the few I've met and the things they seem to care about - despite how easy it would be to think they are being silly - I think they are some of the more real and honestly striving (and fun!) people I have met.

Please see following text from their email update (posted here because I don't see it on their blog)

Competent or kind? What type of people make a community thrive? Question I often hear in my personal village.
How many of us can parallel park a 35 foot trailer with a 32 foot skin on frame boat on it, organize the logistics to feed 30, 60 or 200 people, shoot an arrow straight and true, get a stuck vehicle out of the mud on a flooded bush road in Botswana, code a new piece of software that helps people communicate in radically new ways, use their leatherman to repair a broken walkie talkie or track a cougar, finally catching a glimpse of that elusive cat? All these things were accomplished by colleagues of mine in just the past 3 weeks. Maybe by coincidence, I find all these folks to be very kind.

Yet this is not always the case for competency. I learned a long time ago that mastery does not always mean nice. Around the world, some of the best trackers, survival skills experts, martial artists, primitive skills masters, herbalists, writers, artists, pundits, scientists, designers, permaculturists, engineers and especially educators can act like "A-class" jerks. Experts stale in the knowledge that no one does it as good or great as them. As an eclectic teenager, I grew up revering nearly any and all competence. In my older age, I have rethought this ardent reverence for such salty dogs.

It took me awhile to realize there are two paths to competency. One stems from insisting that a study, art or philosophy is more important than even the people and land around us. Enhancing science, style or reputation becomes the ultimate motivation. This awareness can cloister you from the living world. And in the long run, leave the "expert" old, sad and lonely.

The other "competent" is borne from compassion. Empathy transmutes to vigilance for tending land, family and the village. The point of knowing is not simply for knowledge itself, but instead its a choice to place your gifts in service to the greater whole. Individuals competent in this way rarely refer to themselves as geniuses or masters, yet their regard and attention for their work can always be relied upon.

The same can be said about there being two ways of "kind". By our culture's definition "nice and good" is equated with syrupy words, universal harmony, right emotions and world peace. Yet becoming truly useful often requires giving of yourself, courage, sacrifice, personal risk, confusion, standing stalwart through conflict, doing hard work, challenging the status quo, setting healthy boundaries and focusing your attention. Real kindness, real care for your community and fellows is rarely the easy or perfect way out.

There's really not difference between competency and kindness. They're one choice. The value of competency derives from the attentiveness and passion found through kindness. And the village thrives by this regard and care.

Project Sarurun

Project Sarurun
A grassroots arts and crafts campaign to benefit children affected by war or violent conflict. Great changes are an accumulation of many small deeds.

Please learn more about this project and the upcoming auction. It begins very soon.

babies

When I was young, I was told not to tickle the feet or stomach of my baby brother. "He doesn't understand what he is feeling," said my mom, "And he doesn't know to scratch it to make it stop."

After that I sometimes persisted in tickling my little brother, but I made sure to rub my fingers in a soft scratch afterward to stop his skin from feeling that weird after-tickle. What my mom said was true - he was confused and defenseless. He was a baby and could hardly focus on particular items, let along understand what it meant to be tickled. Even if he could have understood how to make the feeling stop, he did not have the means to bend and scratch his own foot. All he could understand was that he was uncomfortable, and all he could do about it was writhe.

I have been thinking lately, that one of the things about growing older and more experienced is to try to understand what exactly we are experiencing, where it is coming from, and how to respond.

A baby only knows what feels good and what doesn't. All it can do in response is enjoy something or begin crying. As the baby grows, it learns different kinds of feeling good and bad and why they feel that way. As it learns how different things affect it, it can begin to try responding and learn to take care of itself.

The example I have used is of physical discomfort, but I think this is true for other kinds of feelings as well. And just because I am no longer a small baby, doesn't mean that I don't discover feelings and effects that are as mysterious and confusing to me as a baby must feel when first being tickled. But I will learn, and become coordinated to understand what causes these things and how to respond.