even more fragmentary

the even more fragmentary nature of recent posts may be resolved once
I exist on internets that allow me to edit thoughts post-posting

edit to the previous

( I just realized I had written this in a notebook, but it somehow
didn't make it in with the previously-posted ideas)

I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I also feel lost.
Maybe I am supposed to be lost for a while.

always seeing the stars

Sometimes, life seems like maybe one long dazzling punch in the face,
that you don't realize it until it's happened.

All Summer and the day after

"I think the sun is a flower, that blooms for just one hour."
- All Summer in a Day by Ray Bradbury

I think, that like many natural phenomena, human beings go through
periods of extension followed by the necessary contraction, followed
by the rebounding expansion, and so on.

It sometimes seems like every 10 or 12 months, I get a really good
month. That isn't a bad ratio.

I think I feel sometimes, that my time for expansion is beginning to
cool, and it is time to contract once again. I think I feel a little
disappointed, as though the opportunity to stretch and grow came, was
hobbled, and is now passing. There certainly were good parts, and I
have been accomplishing my missions, but it doesn't feel like the kind
of full stretch that it seems it could have. I will have to begin
gathering my energies for the next one. I look forward to a little
shade and quiet.

Smile for the camera

I have a lot to be happy about all the time.
I am living in a dream year.
But, when I look at pictures of myself here - even ones where I
thought I was happy and smiling, thought I was being pleasant, thought
I was looking exuberant - I think I actually look kind of depressed
and maybe a little desperate, as if I am afraid that looking into the
camera will open a channel to something I'm not ready to see or to
have seen.

The most disturbing part is thinking at the time that I was happy and
fine, when the evidence seems to point to more ... weary, and slipping
in my poorly calibrated attempts to keep up the act.

to Tumblr

For internet accessibility reasons, it might be a while until I can regularly get to this blog. So, if I have something to say, it might end up on Derivations on Tumblr instead. I'm just sticking the link here for now in case I need it later - if you try to follow it and can't, it's because I haven't actually used it yet. I also finally set up email posting, so maybe I won't even have to use it. Also, the 'old' Wordpress Tracy Update will also be continued on the Tracy Update tumblr, since I have discovered that tumblr is so much more convenient for me to use here...