'typical' model of abuse is too extreme to be commonly recognizable

I think that the general image that our society has of an abuse being committed by a willfully harmful person against another small and weak individual is unfortunate and misleading.



It is misleading because there are many situations which are not so clear-cut. And, it is unfortunate because, like most lies, it makes the truth harder to see. It seems that many times, especially situations where the abuse is not physical, the abuser and the victim do not see each other as fitting the stereotypical roles and therefore do not recognize that the situation really has an abusive dynamic.

The stereotypical model makes it difficult for victims of more subtle psychological or emotional abuse to realize that they are in an abusive situation. They may not see their abuser as an intentionally destructive person, and they probably don't see themselves as the vulnerable and helpless victim. Neither image does justice to the complexity of the many kinds of people that find themselves in either role. Neither image is useful for determining whether a person qualifies as an abuser or as a victim.

It seems probable that part of the reason people do not recognize when they are in this picture is because they might not see the other person as being in the picture either, or might not want to admit it. For example, if a woman consistently suffers because of the improper manner with which her husband is treating her, she might still believe that he loves her and is not intending to harm her (and she may be right, but that doesn't make it ok). This belief conflicts with the usual image of the abuser as being obviously and willfully destructive, so she may not think she is being abused.

Further, even if she suspects she is being abused, she may not want to admit it because of the connotations or associations of being cast into the images of abuser and abusee. If she thinks of herself as a victim, that might also carry connotations of being weak, passive, and helpless, and she may not want to see herself this way (and she might be right). Or possibly more compelling, if she begins to think of her husband as an abuser, this can carry the connotation that he intends to harm her, and she may not want to accuse him of this. This is not necessarily foolish protectiveness - she may be right. It may very well be that he does not intend to harm her, but that his ability to interact with other people is just so poor and underdeveloped that in trying to satisfy his own psychological needs, he inflicts unnecessary pain upon others.

(In the above example, I used the image of a woman responding to the abuse of a man. The genders in the example could be reversed, identical, or neutral without changing the idea. Perhaps it would even make a stronger point to consider that the situation where a female abuses a male is not as easily recognizable to society as the image I chose to present.)

I think that in order for people to more easily recognize when they are in an abusive situations and to more easily point out when someone else is in an abusive situation, we need to (as a society) reduce the social stigma and taboo around being either a victim or an abuser. This may make it easier for people to realize and seek help because they will recognize the nature of the real situation before it reaches an extreme. They will not be afraid or deterred by the stigma of being either helpless or uncaring.

It's also true that there probably are situations so terrible that they fit and deserve the extreme depictions. But, I expect most cases are more subtle and are probably just the case of someone who, in their inability to express themselves functionally, harms others. These kinds of power dynamics exist in all sorts of human relationships, and I think that abuse of any kind of power is something that we as a human society should open up more for discussion and introspection.

We as people need to be alert to responsible ways of interacting with our fellow humans. We will make mistakes sometimes, but we must be open to realizing, atoning for, and learning from our mistakes.

It seems that too often, unhealthy and dysfunctional power imbalances are allowed to escalate and perpetuate (and perhaps even become expected or 'normal') because they are not extreme enough for people to recognize and discourage. I think that because people cannot really believe that their situation is as bad as the accepted model (and it might not be, but it is still unhealthy), they do not see that their situation also counts as abuse and believe that there is just something wrong with the way they see or understand things.

These people begin to believe that they are crazy for sensing that what is happening around them is not right. They are not crazy.

It is possible that they have just been misled by the popular image of what abuse is 'supposed' to look like.