QED

(click images for non-explanations)

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea:

High-five-ing a good friend as you ride past them on your bike



Bad Idea:

High-five-ing a monkey tree as you ride past it on your bike

My heart has grown several sizes

like some hanging fruit,
ripening to fill with summer.

Kitchens, food, people, music,

I find them whenever I make the effort to look.



And I really like pears.

(*)

4 Qloi

Happy Birthday!

John 5:2-9 ...I understand

Even if not quote physically... even if only metaphorically...

Now there is at Jerusalem by the sheep [market] a pool, which is called in the Hebrew tongue Bethesda, having five porches.

In these lay a great multitude of impotent folk, of blind, halt, withered, waiting for the moving of the water.

For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool, and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had.

And a certain man was there, which had an infirmity thirty and eight years.

When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time [in that case], he saith unto him, Wilt thou be made whole?

The impotent man answered him, Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming, another steppeth down before me.

Jesus saith unto him, Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.

And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed, and walked: and on the same day was the sabbath.





...I understand how the man could pick up and walk

The ability to walk is one that I treasure,
metaphorically and physically.

It's an unfolding of an incredible dimension of renewable freedom

Upon the Burning of our House

Copyed out of a loose Paper.

By Anne Bradstreet


In silent night when rest I took,
For sorrow neer I did not look,
I waken'd was with thundring nois
And Piteous shreiks of dreadfull voice.
That fearfull sound of fire and fire,
Let no man know is my Desire.
I, starting up, the light did spye,
And to my God my heart did cry
To strengthen me in my Distresse
And not to leave me succourlesse.
Then coming out beheld a space,
The flame consume my dwelling place.

And, when I could no longer look,
I blest his Name that gave and took,
That layd my goods now in the dust:
Yea so it was, and so 'twas just.
It was his own: it was not mine;
Far be it that I should repine.

He might of All justly bereft,
But yet sufficient for us left.
When by the Ruines oft I past,
My sorrowing eyes aside did cast,
And here and there the places spye
Where oft I sate, and long did lye.

Here stood that Trunk, and there that chest;
There lay that store I counted best:
My pleasant things in ashes lye,
And them behold no more shall I.
Under thy roof no guest shall sitt,
Nor at thy Table eat a bitt.

No pleasant tale shall 'ere be told,
Nor things recounted done of old.
No Candle 'ere shall shine in Thee,
Nor bridegroom's voice ere heard shall bee.
In silence ever shalt thou lye;
Adieu, Adeiu; All's vanity.

Then streight I gin my heart to chide,
And didst thy wealth on earth abide?
Didst fix thy hope on mouldring dust,
The arm of flesh didst make thy trust?
Raise up thy thoughts above the skye
That dunghill mists away may flie.

Thou hast an house on high erect
Fram'd by that mighty Architect,
With glory richly furnished,
Stands permanent tho' this bee fled.
It's purchased, and paid for too
By him who hath enough to doe.

A Prise so vast as is unknown,
Yet, by his Gift, is made thine own.
Ther's wealth enough, I need no more;
Farewell my Pelf, farewell my Store.
The world no longer let me Love,
My hope and Treasure lyes Above.


(posted 17:30 5/11 but I meant to post it ~00:12)

Piggy

consider me satiated

Follow the Day!

The view from my cave this morning

Hedgehogs, Yeti & Raptor

Hedgehogs protect themselves by using elastic-like side muscles to pull their loose prickly back around them, similar to a drawstring on a hoodie.

When they are attacked, they tuck themselves inside, becoming a pincushion from nearly every angle. But if the attack persists, the hedgehog may become injured or fatigued and physically unable to keep his drawstring tight around him which leaves his soft underbelly open and helpless.

Sometimes I wonder whether the hedgehogs hold out, straining against their own physical exhaustion and inability until they are over come and their life is eaten away, or whether - in the final moments - they ever decide that they cannot hope to survive the attack and allow themselves to relax. I wonder if it is peaceful.



And,
Yeti and Raptor can be best friends


And,
give me a kitchen, bluegrass, and people I love.
I have them for a little longer.

Mad World

Dear Everyone,
I have an announcement:

We're all going mad in our own little worlds

I think it's the distance, discreteness, that makes us mad
we collide and bounce off and wonder
what is happening and whether
we are allowed to steer
and whether
we would even be able to steer so

since we're all going mad anyway,

can we just do it together?



They won't be able to lock us up one by one then.

Isotonic

The air today

felt about the same smooth temperature as my skin - a little warmer, a little cooler depending on how I moved within its cushion.

And I wondered that my body did not take advantage
of the lack of temperature gradient
to let me dissolve.

Know Thyself

He wrote,

its sad that when you have a bad relationship with yourself (ie making yourself promises and breaking them, procrastinating, etc) your relations with others suffer as well.

And I appreciated the way he described it .. a bad relationship with yourself, because that gives me another tool to think with.

So I put it here.

Wandering Daughter

It seemed like everyone I knew was dying
I looked in the mirror and I was on fire
Somebody yelled out "Hey, stop drop and roll"
I said "That might save my skin, but it won't save my soul"
That might save my skin, but it won't save my soul

...

And telling the truth the best way that I'm able
I'm placing my cards all face up on the table
It's ok to be scared, you don't have to act tough
Just take all that pain and turn it into love
Take all that pain and turn it into love

And let your emotions be fuel to your flame
Being on fire will keep you awake
If somebody yells out "Hey, stop drop and roll"
Say "That might save my skin but it won't save my soul"
That might save my skin but it won't save my soul

These words of course are not my own, but I have been appreciating them.
(Thanks, Kimya Dawson)

i'm lost and alone and i'm fair and i'm free
you am what you is and i are who i be
what i'm lacking in strength i make up for in smarts
you keep your stability i'll keep my heart

So long, been good to know ya,
i've got to keep moving along

12:34 05.06.07

Two Good Hands

On one hand,
I have my reminder of the ability to walk through walls.
On the other hand,
I have my reminder of how very solid walls can be.



But they still work.

Last Showing

After the last showing of A Long Walk Home, a lot of people stuck around to hear me trying to answer questions. I really appreciate the amount of questions asked, even though most were by the same two guys.
I was told later that I presented myself as being rather personable, and that's what I'm going for. I think that encourages people to engage the material and ask questions more.

I really appreciate people being interested and giving me the chance to speak about things which I start to forget until I hear myself saying them again. And I still don't know what it is. There is something, some topic, some theme, some expression - that when my explanation gets too close to it, my throat tightens up and my voice gets wavery and it seems best to stop and pretend to think or to just start the movie because if I try to talk any longer, I won't sound right.

Way at the end, the Student Volunteer Coordinator asked me some questions about what I thought of the organization I went to Cairo with and whether I'd recommend it for other students.

I didn't know what to say.
I wanted to compare it to recommending that someone see Requiem for a Dream, but she hadn't seen that movie.

She asked if I thought it was a good experience.

I didn't know what to say.

I wanted to hear myself say, "Yes, it was a wonderful learning experience, I'd recommend it for anyone wanting to go into summer volunteer work."

But that's just not true.
If someone really looked into it and decided that it aligned with what they wanted to put their energy towards, I guess I'd recommend it, but by then, that person would no longer need my recommendation.


Was it good?

I still don't know exactly how it's been working through my system.

I am continually grateful for the very existence of Ethan Rafal.

It hasn't helped me with school work.
I think it's contributed to a scattering of my sense of relation to other people.
It keeps asking me to question my sense of social responsibility.
It concretely confronts me deep problems in human society that I cannot solve.
It shakes my concept of what I can accomplish and how.
It feels like a dream sometimes.
But I know I can't forget it.
It introduced me to people and places that I chose to love in 5 weeks, and that I may never see again.
It challenged my ability to see justice and injustice
and my own responsibility (and patience) toward that.

It gave me few real answers,
except that God is good and trustworthy.


It was real.
It is real.
It is true. Therefore, it is good for me.
I will learn to deal with truth.

I cannot walk away from it.
It is not over.
I can never talk about it as if it was something that happened.
It is still happening.


Yes.
For me, it was good.
It is good.


But I would like to understand what has been changing in me and how.
And what it means that it is still real
the people I met and places I went are still true.

I forget how deep this goes
until someone asks, and they actually care so
I try to explain

And, I can't because my voice has stopped.
my voice is drowned
because my eyes are overflowing with water.




And I want to do my homework, but I feel rather emptied.

Feliz Tres de Mayo

to me.

This is the 1 year anniversary of what I consider to be my personal emancipation day. I am constantly struggling to remember and to use the freedoms I have.

In honor of (I don't want to call it an 'Independence Day'... and 'Freedom day' sounds too trite) Yom Talata, I'm posting some drawings I made before and after going to Cairo.

Happy Dreitag.


A few days before leaving for Cairo:




Upon my return, ~5 weeks later:





and now:



It is difficult to remember sometimes.
I haven't walked through all the walls I could've,
and I must be more careful about the manner with which I disregard some.
Sometimes people don't expect it.
Sometimes I don't expect it.
Sometimes I keep my walls because they make sense to me somehow.

But, I'm still trying. I go in and out of my cages. I forget and remember again.
But, I'm trying.
I've been trying.
I will keep trying until I can recognize the illusions,
and see through them to my fellow human beings, the way God sees them, on the other side.

And there won't be sides anymore.

Stories from a Refugee School

Tonight at 7:30
Psych 105

There are things outside the Bubble that we need to talk about.

May Day

The CoOp
is a mini rally.
We could be the rally theme dorm.

Almost all of us were at the May Day rally/march/protest in some way or another, and we represented just about every component of the rally: participating, organizing, marching, banner-making, cooking, street medics (I was one of the street medics)...


I was reminded what I think heaven will be like:
A group of us were biking like birds in a flock downtown, already feeling so good traveling together.

I am often acutely aware of the strained and helpless distance between people, so when the celebratory ringing of a bike bell announced that a group of dormies and their friends were unexpectedly joining us from behind... and then we were all together -
- flying through the streets in a flock of bicycles, reunited.

I think heaven will have this kind of euphorically relieved critical-mass joy.


And at the rally,
scattered into our different roles,

we were still all together, and I could pick us out,

I saw my own beautiful family looking out from behind their bandanas in the black block, threading through the crowd with their cardboard machetes, distributing free carrot-muffins, as we gathered and then walked the streets during the march.



Now,
it's all I can do to recognize the eyes looking out from behind the mask swept along in the crowd, and to hold onto a faith in that humanity.
Then,
euphorically joined,
we will fly together on our bikes,
after being so separate for so long.


The ringing of that bicycle bell:
one of the most beautifully clear sounds in all the world.

Food not Bombs

Last night:

Food not Bombs coordinator Keith McHenry spoke here. Uncharacteristically, I did not take notes but I am fascinated by the strength of the community and by the networking that his organization has to work through and the dedication with which supporters carry out their objectives which are to serve people in the most basic of ways - something that they consider the government is not doing well enough.

They use surplus food from stores, donations, or dumpstering to cook free food for anyone who wants it. So so so so much perfectly good food gets thrown away every day and at the same time there are so so so so many hungry people. And YES - grocery stores CAN donate food without worrying about anyone getting sick from eating it thanks to the Good Samaritan Act.

According to Keith, Food not Bombs was able to provide food for the victims of Hurricane Katrina when the Red Cross was unable to enter the city. This is a very interesting claim.

For some reason, the actions of FnB are generally seen as subversive, they have been labeled as possibly having terrorist connections, and they often get arrested. Partially as a response, many chapters are springing up all over the world.

They also started a Homes not Jails program in which they identified abandoned houses that banks were fighting over, broke in, fixed the place up, and invited homeless people to live in them. They had hundreds of these places going by the time anyone noticed.

And despite all the trouble that they've run into, the persistent, creative, active, single-mindedess (at least, the way Keith makes it sound) of their group in serving peoples' basic needs of food and shelter wherever it can be gotten is just incredible.

When radio stations could no longer announce their serving times for fear of legal enforcement against FnB, they simply started their own radio news channel.

Most of the things they do are illegal in that they don't follow the paperwork or procedures that you're supposed to but man, .. they are effective.



And they're so intent. They just don't let anything stop them from serving the people. All their actions are means to this end.